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Yes yes it is Friday. I am going to do some advance daylight savings and pretend it is Thursday. I think it is important for me to remind myself the things I am thankful for right now.
What are you thankful for?
We went to the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning and they had a couple pumpkin patches. I couldn't resist some photo ops of Monkey and the pumpkins.
During the drive over to downtown, (Ironically the location of the Farmer's market in Dallas), my husband and I were talking about church. Lately I have been thinking that church might be a good place for us to make some "family" friends, and also I think it is important for Monkey to be exposed. I also see so many people take so much comfort in their faith and I wonder if some exploration would be beneficial to me as well. I have to tell you, my faith is very slim right now. I would be hard pressed to explain with any confidence what I do believe in. I am still at a loss as to where to even start as it seems out requirements are pretty specific-
"Honey, I think we should look into church"
"I agree, I want Monkey to go to Sunday school"
"I don't want it to be all hell fire and brimstone though"
"What about Lutheran, it's like Catholic light"
"Ummm, maybe. I guess I would need to read up on it"
"I want to go early though. I want to be home in time for football"
"Ok - so like a 10 am service?"
"I was thinking 8:50"
"Really - you honestly think we can find a service that starts at 8:50? It isn't enough that we need to find a church that isn't overly religious, is non preachy, and now we need service to start at 8:50 to accommodate football"
Jeez! Any assistance would greatly be appreciated!
It’s hard to believe how quickly Mondays come. At least MckMama makes them a little more enjoyable with her “Not Me!” Monday carnival.
Yes - I realize it is Friday. I am a day or so on everything it would seem. I came home on Monday and have been in a fog ever since. I am pretty sure I went to bed at 7pm last night, right behind Monkey. They say it takes a full year to grieve. With that being said let's get to number 1:
What are you thankful for?
It’s time for “Not me! Monday”, hosted by the always charming and due any day now MckMama. (We won’t mention that it is Tuesday.)
• I am not going to write my entire not mes list about my mom’s death. That would be morbid. I do have other things happening in my life at this time.
• I am not struggling at work today. I know people are only trying to show they care. I did not almost break down when I found an email from my mom from last summer. I am not going to have a difficult time not emailing my mom. I never exchanged a bazillion emails a day with her from work. I way too important and busy to have exchanged emails all day with my mother.
• I do not have a speech well rehearsed that explains the details and events of my mothers death. I have not already told it numerous times this morning. I am sure I could say it in my sleep.
• I did not pick out a scattering urn for my mom with my step-dad the other day. That would mean that she did really die. She was only 54 how could that have really happened.
• I am not completely breaking down and have to stop. This isn’t as cathartic as I had hoped.
• On a positive note – Monkey did not wake up every two hours and howl like a banshee. He has slept through the night for two nights straight!
What have you not done this week?
Conversation with Q(Delicate Flower) yesterday. I called to see how he was doing since he has lost his great-grandfather, his Nana, and his big toe nail all in one week.
"Hi Q how is everything"
"Good"
"How is your toe feeling?"
"Fine, um Mom....I have a friend over, I don't really have time for small talk right now. I'll call you when I have some free time"
"Oh - alrighty then. You call me when you have some free time."
Honestly! I can say he has become a teenager!
Ok- if last week I thought I was just a little stressed and thankless. Today I may have pushed my limit. While I am not trying to make lemonade out of lemons, I know my mom wouldn't want me to sulk. I am allowed to grieve. I will. Out of this whole bizarre mess, there were some things to be thankful for:
I read blogs all the time where women of all types find extraordinary courage in them to accept their path in life. I always marvel at the faith it must take to accept and believe in the hand that you have been dealt. I always wonder if I could ever be that brave. This week I get to find out. My mom has had a massive stroke. She is only 54. This is the most unexpected event. I am still in shock. She is on life support. There is massive bleeding on her brain. I leave tomorrow morning to say goodbye. When they take her off she will be gone. It will be my turn to accept this is my path in life. Right now I really don't want to go down it.
Monkey did sleep last night for the first time in his crib. He woke up at 3. Did we let him cry it out? Yes, for 12 minutes. I justified the bottle by telling myself that it would be too much trauma to have him sleep in the new bed and take away his late night bottle. I didn't want him to associate anything bad with the new bed and think it was the reason his tummy was being allowed to go slightly below empty! He is sleeping well tonight, I am newly determined!
I kept meaning to post all week and just kept getting busy and that seems to be the story of my life, I just keep meaning too. While I was driving to work I was thinking what I wanted to post about and the fall weather reminded me the holidays are quickly coming upon us. I do love the holidays, but the holidays bring a certain amount of stress and I was also reminded that I have been a little on edge and grumpy as of late, and a little thankless. We bought Monkey an outfit the other day that says “I am thankful for Tiger and Pooh.” I thought to myself I have a lot to be thankful for, but I have been rather thankless as of late. So I have deemed Thursday to be Thankful Thursday. I must name at least five things that I am thankful for, and they can’t all be family and friends related.
1. I am thankful for the four lbs that I lost last week. I don’t care that it was a little too much and I would prefer to not find them this week.
2. I am thankful that my husband took the first shift and Monkey slept all the way until 3am! Granted he did wake up again at 5, but this means he can sleep for a long stretch and we just need to break him of the habit of eating every four hours.
3. I am thankful for the yummy mushrooms and spinach that I put in my omelet this morning. They made it so flavorful and satisfying.
4. I am thankful the weather is finally changing and I think the 100 degree days are behind us!
5. I am thankful for Monkey’s temperament. He honestly is the happiest baby and just thinking about his smiles makes me smile.
Ok – that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! What are you thankful for?
I read a variety of blogs, but I think My Charming Kids probably delights me the most. MckMama is honest and her children’s antics truly are charming; or at least come across that way! I think everyone that reads her blog is counting down the days for Stellan’s birth and I know we are all praying for the whole family.
Anyway, her Not me Monday gives me a reason to look forward to Monday! I went to Catholic school once; I know that confession is good for the soul. Except I didn’t do any of these things – no, not me!
-I did not not wash my hair all weekend. That would be unhygienic and a little gross.
-I did not over fondue on Saturday and have a Charlotte (Sex in the City movie) moment. That would mean a variety of things that I never want to admit to! So No, not me!
-I did not gladly let LOML take Monkey so I could nap on Sunday even though I knew he had gotten even less sleep than me the night before. It would be selfish of me to think that I went six months straight of no sleep and he has ample time to catch up. It would also be a little mean and vindictive.
-I am not writing this at work. That would be unethical.
-I did not start a blog just so that I could have a reason to do Not Me! That would be silly since I could just comment.
-I did not let Monkey try to eat Biscuit (our cat) because I thought it was funny. That would be icky and unhygienic. Besides Monkey was sooo happy trying to eat the kitty.
-Monkey did wake up every three hours on Saturday. He is almost six months old and much to old for that. He also did not scream like he was dying when he was waiting for his bottle. He is absolutely not addicted to food and can sleep all night!
-I will not spend the day reading other Not me! moments nor am I not hoping for some sort of bad behaviour this week to give me an excuse for next weeks Not me!
I know I have an addiction to pumpkin pie spice latte when
a) I spend 20 minutes in line waiting to order
b) I spend $5 on one
c) I allocate 7 points for the consumption of one(Let me put that in perspective – I can have a soup and ½ a sandwich for 7 points, I only have(only haha) I have 29 points a day)
I don’t understand the addiction. I can’t seem to overcome it. I wait for them every year. Honestly – it bleeds into all things pumpkin flavored and colored for that matter. I dress Monkey in orange. I have an Orange rug in my living room. I don’t mind rooting for UT for LOML because I like the jersey. I think if I could I would paint myself with filling, add some cinnamon, and call it a happy day.
It was next to impossible for me to admit I was obese. My struggle with weight has not been lifelong. Growing up I was healthy. In my teens and early twenties I was probably a little underweight. I remember often lamenting about my weight then as I purposely had to buy a 4 for my pants to be a little baggy. When I got pregnant at 23 I didn’t think too much about the 60lbs I gained. Let’s just say that baby is 13 now and I never got rid of the extra 60. To make it worse I added to it. When I got pregnant with Monkey, my Dr was very concerned about my weight. I was advised to gain 25lbs at the most. I gained almost 90. It’s not surprising I was gestational diabetic. It’s not surprising I gave birth to an almost 10lb baby despite the best efforts of Doctors and dieticians. I did follow my eating plan. I did try to get some exercise. It’s no surprise when you are carrying an extra 90lbs on top of an already overtaxed frame that the exercise effort was not extraordinary. Anyway – cut to today. I have lost 50 of the 90. I recently went back on Weight Watchers to make some permanent changes in my life and figure out where this relationship with food and I went wrong. My husband and I are renewing our vows in Puerto Vallarta in October 2009 (More on that later), I have a little less than a year to loose my goal of 80 more pounds. The goal isn’t just driven by the ceremony though. It’s driven by this loss of self image I have encountered recently. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I don’t feel healthy. LOML is so encouraging, he still tells me I look beautiful every day, but I don’t feel that way. I used to love to shop and now it’s a chore. The irony is, I don’t even love food that much. I just eat poorly. Oh and I am super lazy. And I can continue down that path, becoming more and more unhappy with who I am. Or I can make an effort and make some changes in my life. I have kicked out habits that were bad for me before (smoking) so I think I can kick out some French fries and overcome my latte addiction (that’s why I am on Weight Watchers, so I can have the occasional latte)Chipotle on the other hand – no one ever needs a whole serving of Chipotle!
I've been meaning to start a blog for some time. I have my MySpace surveys, but I don't think those really count. I decided to have a baby, get married, change jobs, and move - all in the course of a year. I felt like I really needed to get all my life changes done in one year. My co-workers are starting to glaze over at the mention of the baby - I really need a place I can journal to my hearts content. My husband does also make me cazy from time to time. No to mention my naughty kitties. Oh yes, and my 13 yr old. Plus my weight loss struggle, my real wedding plans, and my obsession with anything on Bravo. Oh- I'm a little ADHD too. I'm worn out all ready!
