Who is that baby?

You guessed it! The MONKEY!!!!! He loves playing with the baby in the mirror. He is constantly looking on the other side to find him. I can not believe is going to be 1 next week. This year has flown by. We have so many things to be grateful for, and yet one thing to be so sad about that it still occupies mt thoughts on a daily basis. I am so pleased to have blessings like Monkey and my husband in my life right now. This year has been HARD. I would prefer to not repeat events in this year. I am working on not being overwhelmed by anxiety on a daily basis.

On a positive note one of my dads came to visit. He was here for a month and we had a fabulous time. (I have 2 - long story) We'll call this one Sixbangr since he like to drag race. He met my mom when I was about 2 and after they got married, he adopted me. They were unable to make the marriage work, and divorced when I was about 5. He continued in the role of my father. I think most men would have walked away from the situation, but I learned loyalty and family values from my dad. He was my rock when my mom was a wreck. He has always been there for me. One year the transmission went out on my car when I was living in Reno. My dad and grandpa hauled a jeep from Denver, loaded with care packages, and took my car back to Denver to overhaul. (That is just one of many examples) Not many dads do that. Not many people do that.

So I digress - I mean to just post a quick blurb about Monkey, but I always do that. I am missing my daddy today. I know he reads my blog, so I thought I would give him a little sneak attack tribute.

Can you believe

This little rock star is almost 1? It seems like just overnight he added a ton of skills. He can stand, say bye-bye, ball, dada, mamma, and duck. (I am desperately hoping that is what he is saying - we all know about my husband's potty mouth)

He loves to eat, but still prefer his baby food. He will longingly gaze at you while you eat, however if you offer him anything he puts it in your mouth after he tastes it. YUM! Still no teeth - but I can see the bottom two getting ready to poke through any day now. He is such a giggly baby, and that makes the sleepless nights easier. Yes, our sweet Monkey has yet to spend an entire night in his crib.

He is such a treasure, and combined with delicate flower, I am really starting to question having another baby. I really thought I did, but then when I think about going through another baby year I become apprehensive. I also know we can provide for two children well, three would slim the opportunities we could offer.

If you have more than one child, what was the deciding point? If you have more than two, do you ever feel stretched (emotionally and financially)

I would be eager to hear what you have to say. Now I have a birthday party to plan!

You can't read my mind?

I often forget that in order to communicate, one actually needs to share information. I have a bad habit of being private. I don't think someone can have a blog and be a private person. By default you're letting it all hang out. I am mostly OK with that part. I would never sensor knowing my husband, dad, and friends read my blog.

What I need though is a mind reading post process, because honestly I have not made time for blogging. I would like to say it is because I haven't made time for myself; that isn't a true statement. Have I been busy? Yes. Has Monkey been acting like a maniac and not sleeping? Yes. Do I have time to log into facebook for a few minutes? You guessed it!

I do like to keep my blogs light. I like to think I add a little humor. I don't like repetition. I feel like I am cheating if all of my blogs are based on surveys. That is just a long way to say I have a lot on my mind lately that is neither light or funny. I haven't wanted to take five minutes to share. And I guess I just wanted to feel like life was perfect enough and I wouldn't need to burden anyone with my problems. Honestly - they are small and insignificant. And I think that is the other piece - there are so many families out there that share their heart wrenching stories, I just don't think my bad day at work or the havoc Monkey causes would be meaningful.

It sounds silly when I say it, but I am terrified of becoming a blogger that has something heart wrenching happen. My husbands is highly superstitious. I think it is rubbing off. I read about this family in January and it has stayed on my mind since. I just can't get over how devastated they must be. I know it is coincidence, but Monkey has been getting constant sinus infections and I am just been terrified that we could be the next McClenahans. Silly I know. Ever since I lost my mother so suddenly - I just keep waiting for it to happen again.

So there it is. I know I am not going to tempt fate just by blogging, and yes, that has been the main reason for my pause. And please, feel free to poke fun. LOL - just saying out loud, make me feel better. I will blog more and worry less. It will never be daily, but it will be more than bimonthly. Or at least until I can find a confidant psychic. Then she will do it for me.

Not me! Monday!

What a week! I have several mentions to return, but I love Not Me! Mondays. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

• Monkey would never have turned 10 months old today. His milestones are never a little bitter sweet; his beloved Nana has been gone for four months now.

• Our sweet little Monkey couldn't have been diagnosed with a mild case of bronchitis. If that was true, then it would have been our placid baby that has been acting like an absolute maniac from the steroids. That also means it could have been my charming baby that crawled so fast he has carpet burns. That also means it was Monkey that proceeded to taste and fling his laundry around the entire living room.

• It wasn't me that sent a couple of mean texts after a few glasses of wine. I am not still contemplating how to patent a sobriety check point for cell phones.

• My husband certainly didn't bring me lilies and Lush products. I know for a fact that it wasn't us that enjoyed a Valentine's lunch at PF Changs. If that was the case then it was Monkey who ate his first Chinese food and methodically ate rice grain by grain.

• Oh and I know it's not me that talks or blogs about Monkey all the time, and I know he didn't make a miraculous recovery at the ER. He was not acting like a dying seal right before the ER doctor came in. The ER doctor did not look at my husband and I like we were crazy people and make a statement like this "I'll step outside and see if I can hear him make the same cough you mentioned."

• And not that I like to mention Delicate Flower from time to time, but he certainly didn't give a girl a flower for Valentine's day!

Following Followers

I am truly delighted to have followers. The fact that they are not all family makes it even better! I thought I would use this post to recognize my followers! Plus this forces me to really see who you are! I also know I don't comment enough, so this is my bulk version.

Emily The Creative is fun. She and I share April babies. Her doesn't sleep either! She also has a couple other munchkins at home that are always making her crazy and providing lots of material.

Khadra is my first blog friend. She has multiple children at home and is known to be a little grumpy! I know she feels defined by her children, but I think its a front. I like to think of Khadra as an onion, there is definitely a lot to her. She also makes gorgeous jewelry.

Following Him is sweet and honest. She is absolute in her morals and belief. I wish more young girls had her convictions.

Heidi makes me laugh on a regular basis. I would think her fake, but no one can make this stuff up. Be sure to read the loving letter to her son!

Jenners has multiple blogs, and I discovered her on Find Your Next Book Here. She's not just another SAHM, she is well informed and an excellent writer.

Ok - so I just this very second looked at Mistika's blog. As a Colombian married to an Egyptian she is culturally rich and I love how her blog is written to her two adorable girls. I will be checking in on her regularly.

Pam lives in the prettiest country I have ever seen. I love when she posts stories and pictures about life in a small town in Canada.

Corrine is a voracious blogger with a talent for photography. Another mom with MSC (Many small children - ok here is the truth - I would love to have MSC. I love reading blogs by moms with many children at home. I wish I had Irish twins! I regret I didn't decide this until I was 37...more on this later, this is suppose to be about my fans supporters. ) Her blog is completely random and entertaining. I have a hard time understanding why she doesn't like to shop and I admire her convictions.

Live and Learn the Hard Way is an inspiration. I think anyone would enjoy following her new romance and supporting her sobriety.

Hurricane Heather is genius. No, really she is one. Sooo funny! Read her, read her daily!

Elisabeth another random writer that shares the interesting thoughts and happenings around her. A true Daddy's girl and a mother of three, she shares her life openly.

One Anxious Mommy is my newest addition. We share red headed babies and a tendency to be overly anxious.

Wow - I am glad I did this! The blogging world truly allows new connections. Do you know or follow your followers? Feel free to share.

Sleepy Monkey

Monkey has been terribly sick. It's difficult to determine if he is going for dying seal or miserable kitten. It depends on where Mommy is. He also has been doing a passable duck but I digress.

We are in our third month of trying to convince him that his room is not evil nor does his crib burn him when he touches it. I have been unable to find 600 thread count sheets while I try to make his room feel just like Mommy and Daddy's room.

It just figures - last night I worked until midnight and had to get up to be back at 5:30am (yeah the glamour - I know you are jealous) - so of course I didn't get any sleep. Monkey decided that would be the perfect night to sleep almost the whole night through!
He stole my pillow too.
I'm not bitter at all.

Not Me! Monday or a break has done me good

Oh jeez – I took a little blogcation (yes I am fully aware that isn’t a real word) accidentally on purpose. Thank you to everyone that expressed concern. I had been feeling a little overwhelmed and frankly a little sick of computers. I use one all day, by the time I get home I just didn’t have the energy to blog or read and comment on blogs. Work has been busier, or maybe I have just been working harder, but I just didn’t have the spare time there either. Anyway, explanations aside, I am back. You can be sure that while there are several things that I didn’t do, I just so happen to be close personal friends with the girl that did!

• It was not me that has lost 12 ponds on Nutrisystem. It certainly isn’t me that has been filming her commercial in her head and quitting her job to become a full time spokesperson. And I never was able to pull off my double digit jeans without even unbuttoning them!

• It isn’t Monkey that has been at least starting off the night in his crib. He does not wail like he is being pinched when we go in his room. My Monkey is a sleep expert!

• It also wasn’t Monkey that acted like he was a dying seal all weekend, only to perk up the minute the Dr. examined him at the ER at 6:30 this morning. My husband and I didn’t feel like complete overreacting idiots. I would love to say that we at left with a prescription to validate our concerns, but not us.

• Monkey never inhaled a piece of cinnamon toast like it was crack. He also hasn’t been found to be hoarding food in his chair. I never watched him throw a fit after I took away a little less than new banana. I am not completely concerned that his tantrums have been occurring with increasing frequency!

• I would never be completely preoccupied with our 9 month old, so I don’t know whose baby can now wave and stand!

• And just to let you know that even though we occasionally pay attention to Delicate Flower, it doesn’t matter, because it certainly wasn’t him that has been raising his failing grades to passing grades. Ah the miracle of actually turning in homework!

What haven’t you been up to lately? Not me! Monday was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My first acceptance speech

I was so honored to be identified by one of my other blog friends. Pam lives in the prettiest country I have ever seen through pictures. She is honest and charming, with a significant amount of grace. Our lives are so different and yet the same. I like to think all mothers share a bond of some sort. Pam challenged me to list 10 honest things, and make it interesting. I like to think I am an open book, but I can always share more. I have shared in the past, thanks to Khadra, so I think it's time to broaden that initial list of ten.

1. I used to be considered a little mean and bitchy. Really I am terribly shy. I also have terrible vision, so often if I look like I am glaring, I am really just squinting.
2. My mom died last year in October from an unexpected stroke. We had a love/hate relationship but there isn't a day I don't miss her. That relationship stems from her love of drugs when she was younger. My mom was able to turn her life around starting when I was 14. She was really able to nip her problem when I was 19.
3. I have worked since I was 16. My very first job was in the mall for Swiss Colony. I had to stand in the middle of mall and ask people if they would like to try an incredible spreadable. I do still have a fondness and knowledge of cheese.
   
4. One of the main reasons I left my home town of Reno is that I was being stalked. It was one of the most miserable points in my life. In order to move from Reno I had to leave Delicate Flower with my mom in Oregon for a few months.
5. The fist time I went to Hawaii, it was to visit my Grandmother. While I was there she had a breakdown and tried to kill herself. My vacation ended very suddenly.
   
6. Despite the downs in my life, I am a strong believer in keeping the past just that. If I didn't live this way I would hate for the rest of my life. I believe it is up to me to make positive decisions in my life for myself and my family.
   
7. It is very difficult for me to make friends. Sometimes I convey a "know it all" approach that is really meant to be helpful. I just am not that successful in letting people know.
8. I love my first son like no one else. He lives with his dad and that makes me feel guilty everyday. I never regret my first marriage, I regret the decisions I made after.
   
9. I am not a hugger. You can always tell I consider you a close friend if I hug you. If I tell you I love you, I consider you part of my family.
   
10. I would kill to be a SAHM, for a week. I love my job. I love my kids. I think we each need some time away. I am a better parent when I have some space. I am a better parent now than when I was 24. I despreately want a third child, and maybe a fourth. I feel that I am now ready for MSC. I feel like I am finally growing into the person I will become and I am pleased (-minus the weight gain)

I hate tagging people. If you choose to list some truths, please do so and let me know!

Not Me! Monday

Urgh! Despite my best efforts I did not get much blogging done last week. I even had a couple memes to make is easier! I know my loyal following will understand. I don't even know some of you; but I know we all have lives outside of the blog world. I also know life is full of things we don't do, so it's time to confess all the things I would never think of doing.

• Monkey would have never turned 9 months old over the weekend. 9 month old babies normally sleep through the night in their own beds, so I know he didn't.

• I would have never decided it was a good time for snacks at Sam's club. That would mean I had forgotten food for my non-nine month old baby. Said baby would have never have inhaled cheese, two samples of yogurt, and cheerios. We would have never have left a trail of cheerios behind us. We aren't messy!

• It's not me that has a sore tooth and is afraid to go to the dentist. And I certainly don't admit to not going to the dentist for years now.

• Monkey would have never peed all over my new 600 thread count sheets. Khadra isn't a psychic!

• I know my youngest son has not started holding on to his penis like its a lever in the tub. Nor does he immediately go for it when his diaper is off.

• Oh yeah, I would never let my little one my hair because it sooths him back to sleep. I am not considering buying him a dolly. (Does anyone have a good boy doll to recommend?)

That sums it up. If you haven't already, jump over to MckMama's and check out the other things people never do. If you're up to it, do your own list. I promise you will feel better.

A Thousand Word Thursday

I'm lazy - I know - but this face needs the masses!

Want to see others? (Not of Monkey, but other great pics, follow the button)

Not Me! Monday!

I am not feeling too hot so I will be brief! I know that I never throw up and pee my pants, so maybe I do feel ok.

• It wasn't me that proclaimed I couldn't find a single baby food book out there; only to have a MALE friend bring me FOUR amazing books from the library!

• It isn't me that is relived the Giants lost last night. Now we can start resuming normal activities in the house that don't involve sitting perfectly still or changing clothes.

• It isn't me that hurts after Wii bowling. No, I learned my lesson when I had to have surgery after a night of high heel boxing.

• It certainly would never be me that is eagerly anticipating her Nutrisystem order!

• Monkey is not saying dada. He also is not tying to break out of baby jail by stacking things up. And my sweet son would never turn into a crazy splashing baby in the tub. He is also so refined that he doesn't giggle when I make his but sing!

• It also isn't me that has 7, yeah count them, 7 followers! Thank you!

• Last but not least, this is not me at prom in 1988.
  

Check out the other Not Mes at MckMama's. I would also love to see your prom pictures! Sadly I have more, I went to six!

Urgh, Resolutions

Ok, so for a bit I had been blowing off resolutions. I am a project manager, one would think I love to make lists. Especially when there is a deliverable. But see, that's just it. I am so used to making lists and then making some sort of priority matrix, and then equating a $$$$, that I am almost incapable of a list in my real life. But that is just it, I do really love lists. I love to make lists that include lists. Unless I am requesting a big budget; I don't need money, so nothing was holding me back, just the fact that a list makes it real. It makes ME accountable; my turn. I am ok with that. But I will state these are goals. It's my own ego at risk. I can price that at any time. I am not doing a SOW(yeah you just guess that) with myself.
OK time for 2009 resolutions:

• Dammit, I wish I had a bad drug habbit, oh I do. Its called food. I have an ass load of weight to loose. I needed to loose before the baby. I don't want to talk about what the baby and I added. Let's just say I started Nutrisystem.

• I want to complete the 100 book reading challenge. Don't ask me how

• Two family trips involving both boys

• Two girls trip, one involving Kate

• Reintroduce my body to yoga

• Eliminate non-organic meat and vegetables. Introduce Monkey to only organic foods.
  

• Meet five new friends (this scares me the most)

• Start exercising 4 times per week

• Put away laundry after it's done

Urgh, that's quite a list. And I don't have some equation to back it up. But, it's public. I am accountable to myself. My ego is at large. I challenge you to ask me how things are going. You are my justification, you are my inspiration. You have no expectations, and for me; that makes it necessary.

Kick my ass, be mean, ask me what I am doing to be healthy for you, for my sons, for anything. I am asking you to be my blog trainers.

If you haven't heard how I am doing, ask!
LOL -this so the PM in me, but I do need help. I ask you, my blog friends. Are you up for it?

2008 in review or why I slowly went crazy!

A couple weeks ago Mama Kat’s one of her writing assignments was 2008 in review. This one jumped out at me since 2008 contained so many milestones for me and my family. I started my blog because I had gone through so many life changes at once and wanted to share; little did I know how many more I would go through! I’ll go through month-by-month so maybe you can appreciate some of my stress!

January
Six month’s pregnant I kicked off a significant project at work. I was already huge and it is important to mention our test lab is down two flights of stairs. We ran out of office space and decided to stick our offshore team down there as well. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and ordered to follow a strict diet. I don’t need to mention that I managed to gain a good 30 lbs this month.

February
Q and I visited my parents in Creswell, OR. This was a great trip and the first time Delicate Flower saw me pregnant. (He lives in Reno with his Dad – I don’t know that I have ever made that clear) He was quite weirded out by my pregnancy! Little did I know it would be the last time the four of us were together.

March
The joy of baby showers and gestational diabetes. My diabetes escalated and on top of testing my blood four times a day, I got to give myself shots as well. Do I mention that my project was still going on in the basement? Do you know what it’s like to go up and down stairs while carrying a good 60 extra pounds of baby weight? Oh the horror!

April
Dear dear Monkey entered our life! He was 9lbs 10oz with a personality from his first breath. I took 8 weeks off of work and my mom joined us without a return ticket home!
She proceeded to slowly drive me insane while I wrestled with breastfeeding and packing because the next month….

May
We moved. I do not recommend moving with a three week old. EVER! Not even if it is just across the street. (Which is what we did) Shortly after we moved I learned the awful news that my project had been cancelled and I did not have a long term job to return to.

June
We said goodbye to Mom with some relief. (I try not to beat myself up over this visit. My mom and I generally kept visits to a week for very specific reasons.) After she left my husband and I decided to make things official and had a very quiet ceremony with the Justice of the Peace, Monkey, and Flea. (We are planning a family ceremony in Puerta Vallarta in Oct)

July
Delicate Flower arrived for the summer and became a teenager. Need I say more? My dad(dad number 2) came and visited us for a bit. I hadn’t seen him in five years! Oh and my lay off started. Oh yeah, before I forget, hubby got laid off too! July SUCKED!

August
I turned 37. UGH! But things started to look up as hubby and I both returned to work. (He was only out of work for like 10 days – how does that happen?) I started a new project that should take me through second quarter ’09 and Delicate Flower went back to Reno to start 8th grade. Monkey started daycare and didn’t even cry.

September
Hmmm….what happened in here????? LOL – I think it is in a fog due to lack of sleep. Monkey was barely sleeping. I did come down with an abscess on my throat and was not able to nurse for two weeks. I just couldn’t keep up with pumping at work and was forced to quit nursing all together.

October
My mom died on October 15th from a stroke. She was 54 years old.

November
I think I was completely grief struck as I tried to wade my way through the beginning of the holidays. I think the only thing I remember from this month was I learned to make bread.

December
A visit to my Psychiatrist introduced happy pills and some relief. Delicate Flower joined us for Monkey’s first Christmas. So there you have it! There are lot’s of Monkey milestones, but this post is all about me! (Aren’t they all about me in some way) In retrospect it just seems like a normal year, until I realize how much we crammed in from April – October. I think this year I will try to make life changes balanced! Are you sensing a prequel to resolutions? Well, are you?

I swear there is more to me than Not Me!

Happy New Year! Where has the time gone? In the past two weeks I have worked a total of 4 days. One would think I had plenty of time to blog, but in between my Facebook games and the Wii, I have been way too busy. I know, selfish. I do feel a little guilty not capturing all the Christmas antics once they happened. But I guess I didn't feel guilty enough! I do however feel guilty that Not Me! Mondays have been my only regular post, so later when I do my resolutions I feel like I need to address that. I do have more to say than the things I never do! However, even though today is Tuesday, I still have some things that I should get off my chest before the metamorphosis kicks in and my guilt turns into shingles or something akin.

• I have not decided that baby drool actually makes a good hair gel. It does not have the occasional added bonus of smelling like bananas. I did not declare the other day a good hair day after the baby was drooling and sucking on my hair. Monkey's hands do not have the exact technique as a rat comb.

• It wasn't me that only mailed one Christmas card and all of my packages late. I am so organized and on top of things! It also wasn't me that paid an enormous amount for priority shipping so my Dad could have something to enjoy on Christmas.

• I would never order Nutrisystem or gain 3 pounds over the holidays. I don't know what it is like to feel completely frustrated over the baby weight and additional weight. I am not a little depressed about it and feel like I should be on The Biggest Loser.

• Monkey never would throw up on Daddy's face, getting some right in his mouth. If that did happen, my husband would never promptly get sick himself.

• I am not in love with my new sheets. It is ridiculous to spend money on 600 thread count. I mean all you do is sleep on them.

• Monkey is certainly not now spending all his sleeping time with us in the big bed. And the sheets I didn't buy; I would have never bought them considering my 8 month old's comfort factor in the never ending quest for a full nights sleep.

• I am not convinced Monkey had ADD. He also did not devour a cookie like it was a drug and burst into tears when it was gone. He is such a great eater that he would never look at me like I poisoned him with the lasagna and then proceed to not open his mouth for the rest of the day. If that had happened he would certainly not drink 32oz of milk during the middle of the night. I don't give my baby a bottle at midnight or 2 he way too old!

Oh - I feel better all ready! What have you not done? Check out the list at My Charming Kids. Check out everything else too, I worship MckMama!